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Stressed mother provides Santa with her wish list

Written by Verne R. Sanford. Posted in Community News, Senior Living

Published on December 19, 2018 with No Comments

Dear Santa,

I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor’s office more than my doctor, sold 62 cases of candy barsto raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I’ll find anymore free time in the next 18 years?

Here are my Christmas wishes: 

I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache (in any color, except purple, which (I already have) and arms that don’t hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you’re hauling big-ticket items this year, I’d like fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, “Yes, Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don’t fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting “Don’t eat in the living room” and “Take your hands off your brother,” because my voice seems to be just out of my children’s hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmerthan room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don’t mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don’t catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don’t eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,

MOM

P.S. One more thing…you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

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About Verne R. Sanford

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All opinions, conclusions or recommendations expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Chronicle. Verne R. Sanford, 75, is professor emeritus of mathematics at Valparaiso University. He retired in 1993 and is currently writing his 24th memoir story. He is president of Valparaiso Low Vision Support Group Inc. He and his wife of 52 years, Marie, have five children and 14 grandchildren. Contact him at 219-464-1867, visit www.valpolowvisionsupport.org or e-mail verne.sanford@valpo.edu.

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